Thursday, November 26, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone I know and don't. Happy Thanksgiving to every breathing being that walks on this place we call home though we are scattered across the globe...we still share the same sky. 

I am thankful for a lot this year. I've learned a lot this year. I believe that age is only a number we say but it is life and what life does to us that makes us really grow, change, mature, become stronger, become who we are. I've felt that of everything that has happened since I was a kid to now and seen everyday of my life has turned me into an 80 year old elderly woman. Nothing much can faze me much. 

I am thankful for being soon 27 this year. Thankful for still being so young and my entire life is still ahead of me and it has a limitless amount of opportunities and possibilities waiting for me to chase. I've already chased my dream for so long but this year I tried twice as hard and it was fruitful. I am thankful for having a pretty healthy life for these 27 years so far with not too major illnesses. 

I am thankful for having my mom here still with me for more than 20 years since my dad passed away before I was able to recognize him. My mom is a very aggressive and hot-tempered woman. She has a ton of that spunk from the countryside and has a stubbornness that can compete with the stubbornest ox you can find. She acts like a child and we always argue and fight over everything. But she is still my mom and I have to take care of her and look after her no matter what happens. I am nothing like her personality or moral wise which goes to say how much nurturing really comes into play. 

I am thankful for having such a wonderful Aunt Lee that taught me since I knew right from wrong the morals and life lessons I needed to be a good person. She passed away last year and I have still not yet recovered. However, her shadow, her spirit, her warmth, her big heart, her love remains in me. She was like a second mother to me and that is a blessing and grace that I will never forget for as long as I live. My love and knowledge for ancient China's history also came from her. I can say if she wasn't in my life --- I may have turned out just like my mom. 

I am thankful for my friends such as Jamie, Yvette, Rekari, Andy, Reggie, Dora, Bryan, Sharonda, Shameka, Joe, Liz, Ashley, Matt, Ines, Katie, Alex  Crystal, Dusty, Richard, Wendy, Jess, Bianca, Diana, and many others! Friends to me are closer than my own family at times and priceless. They bring me out of my bad days, give me smiles and laughs that I sometimes cannot even find with family. They allow me to forget even for a brief moment of the burden I have to carry in my personal life. I would do anything for them even if I had to give up something. I give my sincerest heart and feelings to them and hope that only the same can be returned but it's not a must. I do what I want without seeking repayment it's just that simple.

I am thankful for my passion and gift in writing and fiery passion in reading. I never got any toys as a child. The first present I ever received was a Dr. Seuss book and it's still my favorite children's book. I am an only child so other than school all k did was stay home and read and write under my aunts watchful eye for many years. It was fate for me to be tied by books or it just happened due to me not having too many friends when I was young. Or maybe when I started to write my own version of a book when I didn't like how it ended.

Did I bore you? I apologize. I hope you all have a great thanksgiving and remember all those who've sadly left us and be thankful for them being in your lives and giving you warm memories to remember them by. Be thankful that you once knew them, be thankful that they were once in your life than never at all regardless if the memories were sweet,bitter, bittersweet, or painful. Today is a day of thankfulness so let it be a peaceful and joyous day with new memories.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Creative People Have It Hardest

One of my friends is going through a rough time at work and his situation made me want to write a blog post on the matter myself since I am also within that same field. I feel that out of all the professions and types of fields out there for people to choose to go into and study…the arts field has the people with the most personality and sharpest minds.

People who study arts are creative, inspirational, wacky, and sharp. They have the most open minds and hearts that I have ever met. They have the most intense amount of knowledge on the craziest things and they are deep thinkers who tend to not be very talkative because they spend most time in their heads (That’s how I am anyway)! Their morals and opinions are a different plane of others. These creative artists sound pretty amazing and nice to be around right?

Wrong! The one thing creative people can never stand is having someone who is pushy, bossy, and insults them. Creative people are human too! They use their brains as much as any other person and every piece of work they do they put their soul and heart into. Yes, those in the creative field are taught to learn to accept reviews, harsh critiques because its all a part of being an artist. 

However, I feel there is a line between being pushy, demanding, bossy, insulting and being just down right having pleasure in insulting and pushy towards someone you see as a threat to you. Artists are often feared for their fearlessness, for how sharp-witted they are, for how willing they are to experiment, for how much they want to share ideas. And unfortunately bosses do not like being told what to do or how to do it the other way around.

And at a certain point, you just feel like the creative field is not the right field anymore or you may be starting to question whether if you picked the right field or not. If this was what you fell in love with at the start of your journey, I can tell you that it is what you fell in love with doing but you don’t feel it anymore because of the effect of others. Those insults, those attitudes that you get from bosses act as a way of pushing you down and making you seem worthless. It makes you can’t help but feel this is no longer the right field to be in.

What I can say is to not let that passion go out, to not let people who don’t want to see you reach a high point push you down so easily, to not doubt or question yourself. You will find that fiery passion again in a different job, setting, a different sky, a different city, a different boss even.

This is why I don’t want to work for a firm or agency as a copywriter or something. I’ve always had a stubborn attitude of doing things my way, writing things in my style. I just feel like a wild stallion with conflicting ideas and views of others. I like to go my own way and do my own writing though I am know it will be impossible for me to find a job or keep one for long with that rogue nature in me. I can’t help it.

Sunday, October 25, 2015


There are many things that we don’t want others to know no matter how good a friend we have. That’s where journaling kicks in and I started a long time ago when I was a kid. I guess it was because I’ve been the only kid in the house and my mom was never home. It was so quiet and I had no company but books and paper and pens. I started writing very horrible poetry around seven or either. I started writing journal entries whenever I was upset by something that happened at home or school.

Journaling became an essential part of my daily life. I carried my journal everywhere with me. I wished during my childhood days they had already came up with Wreck This Journal, I would have brought every single one of them and went nuts. I decorated my own journals at first with sharpies then markers and then started doing this horrible sketches of failed cartoon characters on them or sticking these random stickers I found around the house from food products or the ones that come in the mail. My third grade teacher confiscated my very first journal because I wrote profanity on the cover! Talk about not knowing any better! D:

I pulled out my box of old journals a few days ago and noticed how what I recorded started to change as I gotten older and entries gotten longer. The things I talked about changed and I visually saw how I matured and changed through each journal. It was like reliving my childhood, teen years, and early twenties over and over before my eyes. I laughed at how foolish I was, cried at the sad memories, and savored the sweet ones.

The human memory is strong when we are young and never fails us. However, when we reach mid-age and our memory starts to deteriorate, when we want to recall a certain memory where will we go or whom will we turn to? Not everyone likes video recording or taking photos. I’ve always felt that writing it down in a journal and keeping it forever and ever is the safest way possible. We we are our own teachers and the more we go through we become teachers to others. That is why I’ve always felt journal keeping is us recording our own life lessons, our experiences of the highs and lows that life can throw at us. Everyone’s lives are relatable in some way if not exactly the same.

My grandma spent nearly nine years at a nursing home and I watched her as she slowly lost her mind and memory. I wanted to help her find herself again. If she had kept a journal, she would probably be able to recall a little. Words are powerful sometimes even more powerful than a photo. When I was rereading my journals, running my fingers against every word on the page, it felt as if I was leaving parts of me behind when I die someday.

When people ask what I love the most other than family and friends, I just laugh and say my books and my journals. Because friends complain when you rant to them too much, a journal on the other hand will listen and listen and never say anything in objection. A best friend, a place where I can lose myself in and that was how I got through most of my childhood.
A journal holds our most precious memories, our most unforgettable memories, our bittersweet memories, things you never want anyone to know but possibly the one you love the most. You can pour out your heart, your soul, be completely open and yourself in the journal without holding back in journaling. People may complain it isn’t private or they’re scared other people will read it. Well, find a better place to hide it then! In my opinion, it’s more powerful and meaningful than any video recording or photo.

Don’t let journaling scare you. I actually still do crazy stuff with my journals such as pressing leaves and flowers into pages and drawing crazy sketches, and taping in anything cute I come across on the street or things that come in the mail. It is your best confidant and a part of you that cannot be separated from. That’s what journaling means to me.

Here’s just a small collection of the journals:

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Human Emotions Cause Us to Lose Ourselves

(She has an amazing blog and really meaningful writing. Please check her out) 

In previous posts, I have mentioned how human emotions can drive us to actions that we usually wouldn't do if emotions didn't play such a strong part in the process. Emotions can cause us to take risks and lay high stakes for ourselves that we usually wouldn't be willing to attempt or do. Ambitions drive us to disregard what happens to those around us whether we know them or not. Personal gain turns us into selfish people. Hate turns us into a negative and stubborn person with a narrow mind and view on everything. Jealousy drives us to do dangerous things that can harm others. Love can be so beautiful and yet so frightening at the same time causing people to become too dedicated or devoted and blinded by that passion. Pain and loss strikes up revenge in us. Sadness strikes up us to become sulking and depression. As you can see everything in life, in nature, in this universe is one chain connects to another, one leaf will be covered by another. Everything goes hand in hand and human emotions are the only weakness of humanity itself. The biggest enemy and biggest ally and it all depends on how you go about it in your journey of life. 

I must thank +Mallika Padhi again for her beautiful post on this and I've chosen to expand on it. :) 

When we were a first newborn baby that just came out of our mothers' womb, we carried no clue of what emotions were. We were simplistic. We only knew to cry and laugh and pout when we didn't get our way. We expressed ourselves freely without worrying about the effect on others with no burden or things to tie us down. Sadly, we cannot remember the time of being that simplistic toddler- it seemed to belong to a different life. How we call wish we could return to that time. 

Emotions are born from our own hearts, from our desires, from our wants, from our dreams. It seems beautiful but frightening at the same time. Many of the times we overestimate our control over our emotions and underestimate the drive of those emotions. That is the mistake we all make in one situation or another. 

However, I feel that no matter how strong the drive of emotions are, we should always remember to keep our logic and rationality close with us. If we love someone, do not let that single reason force us to give up dreams and what is better for us and certainly do not smother them with your love. If we hate someone, do not let that hate mute the reasoning and good advice of others out of your ears. If we have personal gain, do not let that hunger to drive you to disregard the needs and feelings of others. If we are suffering in loss and pain, do not let that drive you to take revenge on others...we aren't gods and have no right to do that. If we have ambitions, do not knock others out of the way to reach your goals. They are human beings too and everyone deserves a fair chance. 

Don't lose your kindness, your tolerance, your forgiveness, your gentleness, your compassion, to the drive of emotions. Your actions can cause someone's life to crumble to ruins, your words can cause someone to do something to themselves that you can never take back. 

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

True Forgiveness: We Were All Nice Once...But Life Changes Us.

Recently-I’ve been talking to a friend about how being a nice person all the time would get nowhere and others would step and use you. I do believe that the majority of us were originally kindhearted children and as we experience more in life and grow up we change. We change because we’ve gotten tired of being stepped on, changed because we no longer wanted to get used, changed because we were tired of being taken for granted. It’s understandable because we are all human after all. It will never always be others taking things from us and we never wanting anything in return. Life makes us change and forces us to change who we are originally were so we can better protect ourselves.

I don’t disagree with my friend. Everyone deals with this differently and evolve through life experiences differently. I’ll share my intake on this. I’ve been taken advantage of, I’ve been pushed around, stepped on, used, and disregarded in school and growing up. I’ve been through horrible tragedies at home some of you are aware of. My family has layers and layers of hate, anger, guilt, and things I don’t want to mention. I rarely speak of them because I figure they are wounds that shouldn’t be probed at after so many years. Not that they aren’t still happening at home but I no longer feel much pain or hatred or anger only indifference.

Ever since I was a child, my aunt taught me to be a selfless child and to not hate or hold grudges towards others, to always be compassionate, tolerant, considerate, and understanding others. And those teachings shaped me into who I am. I’ve always felt I have changed much since a child. I may yell and talk loudly with acts a kid around friends but logically and emotionally I am so much more grounded and silent. I observe too much and think too much rather than speak. I can safely say there hasn’t been any ugliness or terrible things I haven’t seen and experienced. That is why nothing fazes me and why I seem the same all the time.

I don’t have to wish to change and I will keep continuing being a nice person not because it’s what other sees of me but who I really am. I treat everyone with an open heart and mind even when I’ve made a conclusion about someone’s personality and who they are as a person. I accept them for who they are and I choose to keep things separate and not let it effect work or personal life. I won’t change how I treat someone because they are a horrible person or a bad person nor will I confront them for things they’ve done. I accept them for as they are because that’s how they’ve shaped themselves through life experiences and the path they chose for themselves.

I’ve seen people hold grudges for years and years. I often question why won’t you let those grudges go and move on with your lives. I’ve only held a grudge my own mother when my aunt told me what happened not longer after I was born when I was very young. I didn’t understand why she did what she did. When I got older, I understood under my aunt’s teachings and that grudge dissolved quickly. Holding a grudge against someone is a very tiring thing and hating someone for a long time is equally tiring. Why not just treat it as an experience and say thank you for teaching me that.

True forgiveness is not easy to carry out against other people. I am sure many people have been wounded terribly by loved ones and friends and haven’t found the energy nor heart to forgive. I believe though that there is no pain that cannot come to pass or hate that cannot cease but it depends on how big of a heart you have and how accepting you are.

I feel that good people become bad people or people who start to have attitude is because they’ve gone through too much pain and experiences and been hurt by too many to be able to forgive or return to being good people. It isn’t easy and I don’t know how I’ve done it for most of my life. It just happens so naturally, grudges aren’t held long, anger and hate towards others dissipate quickly as soon as it happens. I am willing to forgive everyone, to let bad things go, to accept things and people as they are though I grumble off at the mouth at times but there is no real anger or hate involved just indifference and weariness of life’s high and lows, ups and downs.  

Life is unpredictable as simple as that. It forces many to change. 

Why blame others when you learn of the truth of an event? If we keep blaming others over the smallest things, then this world would be filled with too much hate and blame. If we allow our emotions to run wild and hate others, blame others, become aggravated by others and refuse to let go of that, we would of course become a different person. That is why I feel our instincts and emotions are the most dangerous part of us. It can change a good person into someone else. However, with all I have seen, witnessed, and gone through---I am still the same old girl. I frighten myself at times how my view and way of thinking about things are but that’s just how I am. I only would say: embrace every bad experience as a lesson, embrace every betrayal, pain, aggravation, moment in life as a lesson and then say ‘thank you’ and forgive. Forgive others for everything they’ve done big and small. That is true bliss and it will allow you some peace as well, I hope. 

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Mid-Autumn Festival 中秋节!

Check out this link for some background info and folklore on this special holiday: 

I've always loved this holiday because it is one of the few that has a very heartwarming story behind it unlike other Chinese holidays. You can think of it as a Chinese Valentine's day or a Chinese holiday for being grateful for having a beloved other half in your life. This is the contemporary interpretation of the holiday. Though, it has always symbolized love, romance, and relationships regardless of its history long ago. 

The moon has always been seen as unity and peace. When a full moon arises, everyone believes that families should come together and celebrate the company of each other. Those who are in committed relationships or who are single come together and celebrate the luck of having found their true love. Those who are single offer prayers to the moon and wish for the perfect girl or man to come along soon. Sweet isn't it? 

I love making moon cakes because they are so much fun and you can add so many different fillings to your liking that stores don't offer. It depends on if you have the time to make them though. Here's a basic recipe on how to make moon cakes: 

It takes a lot of attention and time to make but I promise you that the results are scrumptious and worth it. The more often you make them the better you get and you can experiment with different fillings. I love doing fruit flavors or salty flavors. Sometimes we make round dumplings with peanut fillings too to express that we are all gathered around a round table with loved ones and value the company. 

There is a really nice saying that is said at this festival which is: 

你中有我,我中有你。It basically means that you will always have me and I will always have you. I really love this saying and this is how I feel towards the guy I like. 

This year I wish that the person I care for will have a smooth life and everything will go as he wants and no obstacles will get in his way. I also hope for him to have the best health and he is well, safe and sound no matter where he goes. I wish for my entire family to be at peace and live in peace with no obstacles and good health and fortune follows them. 

The same goes for all of you! Many wishes to you guys tonight as well! Let things flow naturally and with time everything will fall into place no matter how impossible it seems. Happy Mid-Autumn Festival everyone!

Friday, September 18, 2015

Connections Is Crucial in Finding Jobs Now.

Connections. This is a word I’ve heard more in college rather than high school or elementary. I recall every now and then hearing my mom talk about how ‘connections’ got her an interview or a job when I was growing up but other than that I really never cared about them until ‘connections’ was all you ever heard in college or ‘building your network.’ I certainly don’t think it’s a complete bad thing. You’re friends with these connections and when the time comes and you need a favor then you reach out to them. I am not saying everyone is like that but many do that and it’s irritating and unfair to other people.

I am writing on this topic not because I want to attack people who’ve gotten jobs because of connections in the past but because of things that are going on at work and a friend who also has been talking about this on a regular basis on Facebook. I felt I had an obligation to share my own insight on the matter.

Yes, connections are really important. Yes, building a network is really important to get others to become aware of your existence. That’s why professors encourage us to make portfolios and create accounts on mass social network sites to broaden your experience and talents. However, I feel that no matter how well you took notes and listened to tips and advice on how to broaden your network…you can never really beat having connections in high places.

We all dreamed becoming a receptionist for a huge company or working for a huge cooperation for an entire life. However, what they never tell you in school is that in order for you to get your dream job…is that you need to have an inside connection or graduated with honors or from one of the most prestigious universities. I do feel that having a connection on the inside gives anyone a better chance of getting the job than most.

 I feel bad for myself and others I know who went to school for all those years and yet that means a little more than nothing compared to knowing someone at the place you are applying at. You can imagine it as a widespread web of knots that are joined together and no outsider can hope to get linked into the web. Because people will only help people they know, I know that sounds really negative but that’s how society is right now.

My friend said he had worked in an office job before and would never do so again because those people in those offices can’t even do what they were hired for. They aren’t worthy of their job titles and can’t get anything done on time. Offices are just a place to talk gossip and hide from doing their jobs and only few do their job and are mission oriented. When I heard of this it made me sick, so many people wish to land an office job their entire life who actually does work and yet never can.

‘A good word’ through friends and family can really give you a lot in the vast fields of work out there especially for big companies as I’ve felt and been told. Yes, many jobs say you need this many years of experience, but do you really? I don’t feel that you need the experience. As long as someone has above average IQ, anyone can do an office job. It doesn’t require that much skill and everyone is teachable. A certification only looks pretty what really makes a worker worth the price is how much work they can get done and how well they can do. And some people who have BA and Master degrees are dumb as a stick.

How can they be making 70k a year with that attitude and intellect? Probably because they have connections in high places that put in a good word. That’s how realistic and cruel this society is right now. I thought this only applied to big companies but I was wrong. This applies even for a position at a supermarket or mall. Hard workers get overlooked and higher positions get filed This applies to all jobs and if you don’t know anyone you are screwed. It makes me sick and despises me to see this is how terrifying and unreasonably society has become. And this is why I don’t want to work in offices and would rather reside in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.

This system of society is deteriorating and it pains me to see it so but who would be willing to speak up?