Friday, June 19, 2015

Happy Early Father's Day

Happy Father’s Day to all that are fathers, have fathers, and whose fathers are no longer alive.

Father’s day has always been a day where it’s very mellow and depressing for me. I’ve celebrated it for twenty-four years without a father in my life. My dad passed away when I was only two—it’s not something that I am afraid to tell others when I am asked but it does spark up a mass amount of sadness from deep within me. I never got to know my dad nor had the chance to know what having a dad felt like. I have fantasized what it was like to have a father ever since I was old enough to know my dad was gone and would never come back no matter how many wishes I made to stars at night or how much I prayed. I used to be so envious of my classmates and friends when their dads came to pick them up from school, so envious when I walked by parks and saw kids playing with their dads.

I don’t even have enough memories with him to even recall his voice. Maybe I have heard of his voice but I can’t remember it at all. I never knew how it felt like to be protected by a dad or being taught by a dad about life. It’s something I felt I missed out on greatly but because I had no father is what turned me into an even stronger person. What I’ve always told myself is my dad is always with me though I cannot see him. I know he loved me very much from stories my aunt used to tell me and that he was a great man who sacrificed several years in prison for something his older brother did. In my heart, my unclear memories, and the chips and pieces I’ve gathered, I can proudly say he was a great man and a hero.

All I have of him is of what others have told me along with the few pictures I collected of him. I selfishly wish that if there is a next life or an afterlife, I wish to be able to meet him and finally be able to make memories with him. I used to wonder if he still remembered me or had he already reincarnated as another person and is living a good life. I wish the best for his spirit each day no matter where he is and I know he wished the same for me as well as my aunt once told me.

Being able to have a father is a great gift…having a dad to teach you how to play ball and to take you fishing and do all sorts of fun stuff that a mother can’t do. Having a dad to protect you from bullies and a dad to protect you when your mother is scorning is a blessing. How I wish I could have a chance to experience that but I couldn’t. I wish everyone whose fathers are still alive and well or who are fathers to spend all of your time with your loved ones and hold them tight. Because life is unpredictable, we don’t know what can happen in the next hour. Please leave your loved ones with even more memories and love and express your love to your fathers as well.

Don’t take your fathers for granted. Even if they aren’t the best dads, they are still your father and I don’t believe there is any amount of hate, anger, or grudges that you cannot be let go and forgive them for. Grudges, bad memories, hate, anger,  whatever bad emotions you harbor for your fathers should be let go of, forgive them, and accept them for the way they are and love them.

Happy Father’s Day everyone!

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Fiction and Reality Are Interconnected

Do you ever wonder at the fact that fiction is fiction but sometimes fiction can be so frighteningly real?

I have recently started reading some Chinese novels in my free time, and I’ve come to the realization once again at how frightening real sometimes fiction can be. Yes, fiction novels may have situations in it that seem so real that it’s frightening because that comes from the author’s personal life. I won’t deny that fact. However, there have been people who’ve said fiction won’t ever come to life because such events and characters exist only in one’s imagination and fantasies. You’ll never meet a man like Harry Potter, Archie Sheridan, Augustus Waters, Edward Rochester, Mr. Darcy, Sherlock Holmes, etc. The list just goes on and on for guys and girls alike! And then there are events such as love at first sight, selfless love, sacrificial love, meeting the perfect guy in high school and marrying them, being able to forgive the person who killed someone you loved or ruined your life, so on.

 There are so many things we believe exist only in books and even if books get turned into movies – it’s still not reality and never would be so you have always thought. I don’t blame you because it just seems so surreal and impossible, right? I have always thought that it was possible that fiction was born from somewhere- this author must have experienced similar events to have caused them to write such a scene or whatever the cause may be. So I have fantasized of love at first sight and meeting the perfect guy in high school and each time it was a let down. That was when my beliefs in fiction can become reality started to fade over the years. I started laughing at the storylines of some of the young adult books I read and thinking: ‘No way that is so ridiculous.’

However, over the span of the past last year and this year I have experienced life events where I have been forced to take back all of what I thought and said about how fiction is not real. It is as real as you and I. It is as alive as you and I and even if it’s not happening to you and I…someone is experiencing it out there right now at some edge of the world. So don’t say:’ oh that is so cliché and has been used a thousand times!’ or ‘oh my god- I can already predict how this story is going to progress.’ Okay, some books are predictable like that but not all and many of the times there is just no better way to describe a scene or present it to readers.

I’ve been going through very crazy experiences regarding relationships and certain occurrences have caused me to relate them to a manga called Hirunaka no Ryuusei and the Chinese novel I am currently reading called The Journey of the Flower or 花千骨 in simplified Chinese. I like keeping to myself in general but life didn’t seem to want me to do that anymore and I’ve ended up in a few tangled knots of love. I’ve never experienced or even imagined of having the chance to experience what I did in the last year and half.

I’ll summarize what I experienced like this: a single girl being pursued by multiple guys…and a girl who is so persistent in loving someone she isn’t supposedly to love and yet still is unable to let go and that person who is unwilling to sat anything or let her in due to their positions and his own worries and considerations. That’s all I am going to say. I have never seen love or relationships as a serious need. If it comes, I will deal with it and if it doesn’t come then I don’t really give it much thought. However, when I fall for someone…I can say that I am the most persistent and dedicated girl that I’d ever met. I just don’t know when to let go and most of the times I can’t even though the entire world tells me to.

And in the two books I’ve mentioned where I’ve found fiction has become reality and it frightens me to come to that realization. It’s not a coincidence and I don’t know what to say other than fiction is born from reality. Reality is not born from fiction. Reality happens first and then writers turn it into fiction.

I haven’t figured out any of my problems but I hope to one day. I hope my persistence will be able to move someone’s heart. People have called me stupid and foolish. I will only leave one ending quote for everyone here and it’s something I chose to live by since I fell for the first guy I liked several years ago:

“Sometimes the best way to stay close to someone you love is by being just a friend.”

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Ideal Life

What is your most ideal life? What kind of life had you always dreamt of having since you were a child? Has it ever changed due to your growth and progression of time?

I can bravely say that as children regardless of sex, we all wished to live in a big house with pets and filled with people that love us and be a doctor or lawyer and earn lots of money. I do feel that is the most common childhood dream we have and are influenced by family, media, and teachers to do. Not only that, but children want to do something big and explosive with their lives, they fantasize about being a hero like figure such as a doctor, a police officer, or lawyer, etc. Because becoming any of these occupations is what society teaches us to reach for, it’s not wrong but it adds a lot of unnecessary stress and pressure to children. It’s not wrong to dream about becoming these figures but not everyone can make it or they change their path too many times until they find what they really want.

How many times have you changed your dream about your ideal life? How many times have you fallen down and given up on your ideal life but managed to find a passion in something you never thought you had? These are questions that we should ask ourselves on a regular basis. 

As for me, I feel that I have fallen down many times because of trying to satisfy the expectations of family and society. I have prodded and poked around what my ideal life looked like from wanting to be politician, to a teacher, to a psychologist, to joining the military, to a doctor. However, one thing I always knew yet didn’t want to accept was my ideal life was always perfectly clear to me but I just chose to run from it more than once.

My ideal life is to be a writer and write tons of books to enlighten and have an influence on my audience through words. I have no wish to own a lot of stuff nor have a big house or lots of money. I feel just making enough to get me through each month, each year is enough for me. I don’t want to reach for I cannot and draw attention to myself. It’s very simple and a simple life is what I want. As long as I have a notebook, pens, my laptop, and a working phone, I don’t think I need anything else for my job. I don’t want to live in big cities nor a mansion. I only want to reside by the countryside in a comfortable house and be one with nature away from people. I wouldn’t mind if I had to farm and raise animals to make a living. I am willing to help anyone, listen to anyone about their problems, and be there as support whenever needed and that will satisfy me for a long time. That is my ideal life and what I always wanted.

I’ve been told that being a writer is no different than starving to death and that was why I had been unwilling to embrace that passion and ideal life fully. However, I chose to not run anymore even if I have to work extra jobs just to meet ends meet. I will do so because I want to reach my ideal lifestyle that I know is waiting for me somewhere.

Now feel free to discuss what your ideal lifestyle is and what you did to get to it if you want or just comment in general. Remember to never force yourself to live up to society and family expectation but to live up to only your own expectations. Live for yourself and not for someone else as selfish as that sounds.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Review On Two Chinese Songs for An Upcoming Chinese Series

I've been posting way too dark posts and it's been making me uncomfortable. I wanted to post a more lighter post for my audience so here we are. I rarely put reviews on this blog much less talk about music. This might change in the future but it's not final yet. I have been following the updates on a Chinese drama that is soon to air called: Journey of the Flower or 花千骨。I haven't read the novel personally because I haven't been able to find the book in my Chinese bookstore and only read snippets online. What I can say is this is a very dramatic romance drama and heavy on spirituality and fantasy. I love series like these where stakes are so high.

Here is a short synopsis on the novel:
Hua Qian Gu is the world’s last God, so since young she has often been injured by demons and supernatural spirits. After her father’s death, she followed his bidding and went to Mt Shu to learn some skills. Then after the death of Mt Shu’s leader, she took over as the leader. Because she is not strong and powerful enough, she went to Mt Chang Liu to learn more skills. She become the disciple of Bai Zi Hua, the leader of Chang Liu sect.
When Qian Gu and Bai Zi Hua went traveling, while trying to save Qian Gu, Bai Zi Hua is poisoned and nearly died. She used her own blood to extend his life. Then, she made use of the spirits to save him, thereby releasing the demon god. Such an action is condemned by the entire cultivation world. The demon god gave all the strength and power to Qian Gu. At the same time, her shi shu (one of the other leader in Chang Liu) found out about her love for Bai Zi Hua so she got sent away to confinement. With Dong Fang’s help, she managed to return to Chang Liu. She returned because she mistakenly thought Bai Zi Hua is going to accept another disciple when he had already said he will only accept Qian Gu as his only disciple in this life.
Sha Qian Mo who is the leader of the Yao and Mo (demon) realm, attacked Chang Liu in order to save Qian Gu. As a result of this battle, Sha Qian Mo become the living dead, Dong Fang died and Qian Gu is imprisoned by Bai Zi Hua, under Chang Liu’s seabed for sixteen years. Due to Qian Gu’s blood, Tang Bao, the adorable little worm is able to cultivate and become a person. She went to rescue Hua Qian Gu but sadly is killed. Because of that, Qian Gu broke all ties with Bai Zi Hua and become the demon god, ruling the demon sect.
Bai Zi Hua who cannot stand to be estranged fron Qian Gu, went to seek her out. He stumbled upon her kissing Mo Bing Xian and felt very distressed and heartache about it, thereby the unfeeling poison in his body flare-up. Qian Gu deceived him into killing her. Because of that, Bai Zi Hua become crazy for 30 years. Then in the epilogue, they ended up happily together.
Credits for synopsis go to:仙侠奇缘之花千骨/ 

Pretty intense eh? Now there's been a lot of controversy on the main theme song and opening song for the soon to be aired series. Many complained that the songs are too simple and the lyrics are too modern and have no deeper meaning behind them. I have to disagree on this because I feel the songs and lyrics are perfect for the series and the deeper message is in there. However, everyone is different so I won't argue but only say what I thought about them.

Lyrics: (roughly translated by me.)

Use your hand to unlock my lock.
A thousand obstacles, 
my love for you has never changed. 
Loving you was loving a mistake,
losing you was losing my sanity,
It's not that it's unspeakable,
it's because I am afraid to say it. 
each step each smile
each step each heartbreak
each step each hardship
turns into a moth flying into a burning fire.
because i fell in love with you,
i lost myself.
Allow everything fall with the wind.
it's not that it's unspeakable,
it's because I cannot say it. 
I want to keep this promise,
don't blame me for my weakness,
but love doesn't allow you and I 
to protect each other and live.
because I fell in love with you,
so I become the person I am,
and I fall into silence with you.
We laugh at fate jerking us around. 
My opinion: The tune is very ancient and very gentle and soft. I feel this song is perfect for the main theme of the series. The lyrics are meaningful and it explains the relationship between the last God and her master's relationship. Her master is constantly in a struggle of protecting the last God but what the synopsis didn't mention was her master's life or death test is this girl. That is why he either can kill her and become enlightened or choose to let her live and it may cause his death. That is why the lyrics make sense where he cannot speak what he feels towards her and she doesn't understand until much later I think. I think its very suitable for this pairing. 



When longing soars through the night sky,
attachments still remained tangled, your voice still clear,
When your back turns away and disappears in the crowds,
there remains an unfamiliar loneliness,
never try, never see, never never know,
never find, never seek, never let you go.
so deep, so far, so so painful,
so much love, so much hate, so much suffocation,
who's love is so crazy? Selfish to the core
when a fight ends, we embrace and kiss and fall silent.
Who's love isn't crazy? If it isn't, how is it considered love?
Not wishing for tomorrow, for forever, for the future,
as long as your eyes have me right now then it's enough. 
Too stubborn, too detached, 
this type of love is too heavy.
Here's the fire,
here's the fire,
here's the fire, 

My Opinion: As for this- it's much more bolder, so I can see why this is the opening song. It speaks of fierce love and gentle love, the price of love and the pain of losing your love. It's more suitable in speaking in general of all the characters and their outlook on love. Many people argued that it was too modern and detached from the series. However, romance plays a big role in this series and novel despite other themes in the story. It's the canon theme and this is why the songs are so simple to some but that's how love is when you love someone...that immense amount of stubbornness, that longing for them, loneliness, so deep, so far, so much pain, so much hate, and yet we suffocate and still love them. We only want them to have us in their gazes for even a brief moment. That's how simple it is and how it is for many of the characters in the series and novel I believe. 

I also apologize that its not the translation of the full songs only snippets and my translation is very rough so it may have not captured the powerful words the original song conveyed. 

Please enjoy! 

We Can't Even Tell The Difference Between Terrorism and Normal Gang Violence

Photo credit goes to

This news article was heartbreaking but at the same time I couldn’t help but laugh just for a brief moment. I laugh at how idiotic the government is and how the commissioner is at labeling gang members as domestic terrorists.

Gang members are not terrorists. I think when they start creating bombs and anthrax and plan operations to blow up banks, federal buildings, and train stations are when you should start labeling them as terrorists. Gang members are just ordinary human beings that have been misled to lead a life of violence because they believe that is the only way they can earn lots of money. Or maybe some of them are just narcissists or sadists that love to see others suffer. One thing I can say for certain is they are nothing close to terrorists.

If the U.S. government labels these gang members as terrorists, then they have obviously learned nothing of what true terror or terrorism is despite what happened in 9/11. This is not terrorism but only people who kill for no reason at all. These are spree killings that are gang related; there is no intended target or specific type that they are after. Whereas in terrorism, people go after a certain race, country, a designated building, and kill a mass number of people than one.

Gang members are just people who never finished school or have been badly influenced by others and in the type of neighborhoods they grew up in and turned to gangs for protection, power, money, for whatever purpose. And before they realize it they have to commit all sorts of crimes to survive. I am not sympathizing gang members because I feel what they are doing is wrong. But that doesn’t give us a right to just casually label them as terrorists when we are tired of calling them gang members or whatever other name you can think of.

I feel this is just a huge joke and shows how stupid the big shots of Chicago really are. This isn’t going to solve anything with labeling and name calling and imprisonment.  Imprisonment only works for so many years, labeling and name calling is childish. There will be more and more violent acts if communities and police don’t work together to put an end to gangs and their influence on younger generations. Nothing is going to change even with community outreaches- maybe we should just ban guns from black markets and the U.S. for good if that is the only way to end gun violence.

Rid guns from the country from civilian’s hands unless they are working in law enforcement. Pull up all the roots of the black markets and suppliers underground and wipe every gun off the streets. But what the commissioner is suggesting right now is pointless and has more strings attached and hoops to go through than they think.