Defense Mechanism Thoughts

Defense mechanisms came from Freudian studies. I started wondering about this after I started working on my current story that I am working on. I haven't thought about this before, it was just that I didn't want to explore it in depth just yet then. Recently, I also watched an episode of one of my favorite television shows, Criminal Minds, that had an episode talking about defense mechanisms as well.

What do you remember from the time you were born to around four years old? I can't remember anything. It's all just a huge blank spot in my brain given that I lost one of my parents at the age of two and recall none of it. I can't even up even a hint of memory of those years, it was like I was nonexistent or repressing the memories.

"Repression is the unconscious blocking of unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses. The key to repression is that people do it unconsciously, so they often have very little control over it. “Repressed memories” are memories that have been unconsciously blocked from access or view. But because memory is very malleable and ever-changing, it is not like playing back a DVD of your life. The DVD has been filtered and even altered by your life experiences, even by what you’ve read or viewed."

Yes, there were many childhood memories that I repressed given that they were when I was older or younger. I remember my mom's mother was a horrible woman and the way I was treated by her, it was so vivid as it was happening but after a while, I could no longer even recall the incidents with her. A single photo of her would send chills up my spine. Some things I have feel have been altered in my stream of memories, so I am here wondering if whether the events in my life were so horrid that so many memories have to be repressed. 

There are so many blanked out spots in my memory throughout the years that I rather remember the exact memories than forget and move on in life. I want the blank spots to be filled with colors, imagery, and details. i don't want to forget even if it may be horrifying to remember and may tear down what I've built up all these years. I want to remember. Wouldn't you? 

How would you feel if there were missing pieces in your memory? Missing pieces on a quilt, big holes in a newspaper of your life. Doesn't it upset you to not know? Aren't humans on earth for a reason? We have to face every event, given it horrifying, fearful, or joyful, they are the only evidence that we were only alive.